President Donald Trump delivered a no-holds-barred speech, firing off zingers left and right that had the audience roaring with laughter.
In true Trump fashion, the former president electrified the room Thursday night at the annual Al Smith Charity Dinner in Manhattan.
With wit sharper than ever, Trump took no prisoners, roasting top Democrats and delivering a barrage of politically charged jokes — whether they liked it or not.
At 78, Trump showed he still has the quick-fire humor and biting critique that has become a hallmark of his political career. And at this event, he didn’t hold back, especially when it came to the Democrats and Kamala Harris.
Here are his top jabs from the night, guaranteed to ruffle some liberal feathers:
“I used to think the Democrats were crazy for saying that men have periods, but then I met Tim Walz.”
“Well, I’d better wrap up because Mayor Adams told me earlier that I needed to make this one very quick, especially the city has reserved this room for a large group of illegal aliens coming in from Texas.”
“There’s a group called ‘White Dudes for Harris.’ Have you seen this? ‘White Dudes for Harris.’ Anybody know? Are some of you here? White Dudes for Harris? It doesn’t sound like it. But I’m not worried about them at all because their wives and their wives’ lovers are all voting for me.”
“The only piece of advice I would have for her in the event that she wins would be not to let her husband, Doug, anywhere near the nannies. Just keep them away.”
I was persecuted, and so are you, Eric. The mayor’s dietary restrictions are well known, but I’ve got to say, I’ve never met a person who’s a vegan who liked turkey so much. There’s something about him and Turkey.
“Chuck Schumer is here looking very glum. He looks glum. He looks glum. But look on the bright side, Chuck, considering how woke your party has become. If Kamala loses, you still have a chance to become the first woman President.”
Full transcript of Trump’s speech below:
“Thank you very much. It’s an honor. They told me, “Under no circumstances are you allowed to use a teleprompter.” And I got up here and saw this beautiful teleprompter, so here I am. It’s a tremendous thing. It’s a tremendous dinner. I’ve come here with my father several times, but it was also many times before that, a long time ago. This is a very special dinner, and you’ve done a fantastic job, Cardinal. Thank you very much, I appreciate it.
I’d like to thank your eminence and members of the clergy. I see so many people I know, including Speaker of the House, Johnson. What a job you’re doing. He’s done a great job.
Senator Schumer, good to see you. I supported him. I was, well, I don’t know. He used to say that’s true, and now I’m not sure he would. But I gave him his first check from an office in Beach Haven, and I was very proud of it. I don’t know about that lately. But it was his first check, he was running, and I said he was a good man.
Senator Gillibrand, thank you very much. Thank you very much for working hard.
Governor Hochul, wherever you may be, this is a big day, isn’t it? Where is the governor? Good job, it’s not an easy one, is it? But you’re doing all right. We have to get a little money from the federal government, I have to tell you. It’s about time.
Mayor Adams, good luck with everything. They went after you, Mayor. Nine and a half months ago, I said, “You know, he just said something about the administration; he’s going to be indicted any moment.” And guess what happened? But you’re going to win, I think you’re going to win. I know you’re going to win. Good luck. I don’t like what they do. I don’t like what they do.
We’ve got so many friends up here; it’s great. Some of my best friends, and you’re right, they are distinguished and wealthy for the most part. A couple are having a hard time, but they’re going to get over it.
I also want to thank my beautiful wife. She did a book, and it’s a really good book, and she worked hard on it, and it just became number one on the *New York Times* list. So I think that’s okay. That’s not an easy thing to do, especially when your name is Trump, and you’re on the *New York Times* list.
It’s a true pleasure to be with you this evening. These days, it’s a pleasure to be anywhere in New York without a subpoena for my appearance. Any time I don’t get a subpoena, I’m very happy. They’ve gone after me, Mr. Mayor. You’re peanuts compared to what they’ve done to me, and you’re going to be okay.
But I have to be careful, though, because this will be the first time in the history of this event where jokes will be fact-checked. It’s been a long tradition for both Democratic and Republican candidates for President of the United States to attend this dinner. Always, it’s a rule. You got to go to the dinner. You got to do it. Otherwise, bad things are going to happen to you from up there.
You can’t do what I just saw on that screen. But my opponent feels like she doesn’t have to be here, which is deeply disrespectful to the event and, in particular, to our great Catholic community. Very disrespectful.
The last Democrat not to attend this important event was Walter Mondale, and it did not go very well for him. He lost 49 states and only won one—Minnesota. So I said, “There’s no way I’m missing it.”
Actually, it was not easy for me to get here tonight because I wasn’t going to miss this thing. No matter what, I didn’t care. But that’s true—49 and one. He was expected to do well, and it didn’t work out. It shows you there is a God, I mean, for those people that are questioning it.
I understand the real reason she’s not here is she’s hunting with her running mate, spending a lot of time hunting. In any event, it’s weird, weird, weird. You know the word “weird”? They call me weird. They call JD weird. We’re very solid people. This guy is calling us weird, but this is weird—the Democrat candidate is not here with us tonight.
I also want to congratulate somebody who’s going to make us all healthy—RFK Jr. We love you. I don’t see him. He’s campaigning all over the place. You’re all over. Hello to you both. Nice to see you both. He’s doing a good job. He’s a great guy too, really is. He’s going to make us a healthier place.
We’re going to let him go wild for a little while, then I’m going to have to maybe rein him back because he’s got some pretty wild ideas, but most of them are really good, I think. He’s a good man, and he believes in the environment, in healthy people, and he wants healthy food. He’s going to do it. He’s going to have a big chance because we do need that.
I would not have missed the Al Smith dinner for anything in the world. I still remember coming here as a very young guy with my father, Fred. He was a great guy, my father. He was a tough cookie, but he had a very big heart. Anytime we’d walk down the street—and you don’t see it too much anymore—there’d be people standing with tin cans. He would always take out $100 and put it in that can. I always thought it was beautiful. Frankly, I think more so now it was beautiful because nowadays, you don’t see it so much. But I miss him, and we used to come here religiously.
A great New York tradition was born 79 years ago. There are people who have been here for almost that length, I know many of them, and it’s not a pretty picture! The two candidates for President are supposed to exchange good-natured barbs. And we get along very well. I didn’t like Biden very much, and now I like him quite a bit.
Now I say she’s much worse than him. He was a much better candidate than her, actually. When we win—hopefully win—and dispose of her, I might like her again, but right now I can’t stand her. I’ve never liked people that I was competing against. When you do, a lot of bad things happen.
And we are doing well, by the way. The votes are starting to come in. You’ve got to get out and vote. Catholics, you’ve got to vote for me. Just remember, you better remember—I’m here, and she’s not.
I could have skipped this, but I didn’t. You do something that’s incredible—the Catholic Church—you’re helping the poor, educating children, and supporting the vulnerable. But if you really wanted Vice President Harris to accept your invitation, I guess you should have told her the funds were going to bail out the looters and rioters in Minneapolis. Then she would have been here, guaranteed. She would have been here. Guaranteed.
But I know this isn’t my normal crowd tonight, it just isn’t. My normal crowd is younger, with a lot more energy, but you have certain advantages too—like cash, lots of cash.
But many of you are Manhattan liberals from the media and the Democratic Party. I always say the “Democrat” Party because it sounds worse. Chuck doesn’t like that; he likes “Democratic.” It sounds more beautiful, the “Democratic” Party. But I always say “Democrat” because it sounds worse.
I must say I was shocked when I heard Kamala was skipping the Al Smith dinner. I’d really hoped she would come, because we can’t get enough of hearing her beautiful laugh. She laughs like crazy.
We would recognize it anywhere in this room, and all polls are indicating I’m leading big with the Catholic vote—as I should be, as I should be. But I don’t think Kamala has given up yet. She hasn’t. Instead of attending tonight, she’s in Michigan, receiving communion from Gretchen Whitmer. Not a pretty sight!
But Catholics, please don’t be too insulted by Kamala’s absence. If Democrats really wanted to keep someone from attending this evening, they would have just sent Joe Biden. He’s having second thoughts, you know that, right? He wants to come back. If she does any worse in the polls, they’re going to bring him back again, I think. Chuck, he’s going to do it. He’s the one who got him out.
Joe has almost disappeared from view. The only way he could be seen less is if he had a show on CNN. They’ve got nothing. Fake news, right? Fake. That term isn’t even good anymore. They say it’s much worse than fake now. I don’t want to tell you what the real term is. I won’t do it because all those cameras would shut off immediately. They don’t like that.
But apparently, Joe didn’t think it was fair for me to have the podium to myself with Kamala skipping the event, so he called and said, “Don’t.” Does anybody understand that? I thought it was actually very good.
Until just now, it was announced this morning that at a funeral yesterday, in a rare moment of clarity, Joe told Barack Hussein Obama that, “Only a few people got there.” Or, as Rush Limbaugh used to say, *Barack Hussein Obama*.
Remember Barack? He was a piece of work. We miss him. But as Joe told Barack, “She’s not as strong as me.” Do you understand that? And Obama agreed, saying, “That’s true.”
Other than that, I think the Democrats are getting along quite well. Nobody would have gotten that one. The fact is, we need new leadership in this country. Right now, we have someone in the White House who can barely talk, barely put together two coherent sentences, and who seems to have the mental faculties of a child, it’s said. He’s a person that has nothing going for him, no intelligence whatsoever—but enough about Kamala Harris! Let’s get on to something else.
I know Kamala worries because she spends a lot of time complaining. She won’t agree to another debate. But the truth is, I’ve debated twice this year—once against Joe Biden and once against David Muir of ABC. That was amazing. Eleven times. None for the other side. Do you think that’s fair news? I don’t think so. That’s fake news.
I don’t know what’s going to happen three weeks from now, but it’s going to be very interesting. It just started. Isn’t it exciting? Really, isn’t it just exciting what’s going on? It’s a process. It’s a rough process too. Not so pretty, and yet sometimes very beautiful.
But the press is reporting that Democrats are starting to panic. They are panicking because the votes that are coming in are coming in very, very strong—a certain way. I won’t tell you which way that is, but Chuck Schumer is here, looking very glum. He looks glum. But look on the bright side, Chuck. Considering how woke your party has become, if Kamala loses, you still have a chance to become the first woman president!
And I actually said to Chuck, “Do you mind if I say that?” And he said, “No, you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do.” He’s a pro. He’s a professional. He’s a good man, actually. I hate to say it, but don’t ever use that against me, please. I’ll say this dinner has really set me back, but I’ve known him a long time.
There’s a group called “White Dudes for Harris.” Have you seen this? White Dudes for Harris. Anybody know them? Are some of you here? White Dudes for Harris? It doesn’t sound like it, but I’m not worried about them at all because their wives—and their wives’ lovers—are all voting for me. Every one of those people is voting for me.
And as you may have seen, Kamala did an interview on Fox News yesterday. It went so poorly for her that the Democrats have been forced to install another 100 drop boxes throughout the city. And the upside is, Kamala now sees the benefit of deportation. She wants to deport people—she’s vicious! She wants to deport people, and she wants to start by deporting Bret Baier from Fox.
It was an interesting interview last night. A major issue in this race is childcare, and Kamala has put forward a concept of a plan. A lot of people don’t like it. The only piece of advice I would have for her, in the event that she wins, would be not to let her husband, Doug, anywhere near the nannies. Just keep him away.
That’s a nasty one, isn’t it? That’s nasty. I told the idiots who gave me this stuff, “That’s too tough.” They told me that the last time I did this, I was running against Crooked Hillary. I mean, Hillary. I was running against Crooked Hillary, and I did it. And I thought it was a roast. So, I was told it’s a roast, and I had the meanest guy you’ve ever seen write stuff up. And man, was the room angry! Even the Cardinal, I remember. I went overboard, don’t you agree, Cardinal? It was terrible.
And I knew I was in trouble about halfway through because even my own side was angry at me. They were saying, “It’s too much.” But I did it anyway. I didn’t care. I can imagine, campaigning can take a toll on family life. Although I hear that Kamala and her husband carve out some really beautiful alone time at the end of the day for an intimate dinner—just Doug, her, and the teleprompter. And by the way, she wouldn’t have liked this tonight if she was told there’d be no teleprompter.
I can’t believe I saw a teleprompter. They said they’ve never had a teleprompter in the history of this dinner. I told that to the Cardinal, right? And then a teleprompter pops up. He must be a very important comedian to get one. They give you one, but not me. How about that? And you did a good job with it.
Tradition holds that I’m supposed to tell a few self-deprecating jokes this evening. So here it goes: Nope, I’ve got nothing. I guess I just don’t see the point of taking shots at myself when other people have been shooting at me for a hell of a long time. They shoot at me! They say about presidents, “Andrew Jackson was the President that was most meanly treated. His wife died—she died of heartache. She was heartbroken at the way they treated him.”
And they say that second was Abraham Lincoln, but he was in charge of a Civil War. But those were the two—Andrew Jackson and Lincoln. Up until me, now they say it’s not even close. There’s never been a president that’s been treated so badly as me. Our people aren’t happy about it.
But I was treated a little bit rough, but I don’t mind it somehow. I think it’s just part of the game.
I’d like to thank our emcee this evening, Jim Gaffigan. Most recently, Jim has been playing Tim Walz on *Saturday Night Live*, and that’ll be a very short gig, I hope, Jim. But it was fun while it lasted, wasn’t it? Let’s see how long that lasts. It better be quick. We don’t want him. I’m not going to say it anymore. But unfortunately, Governor Walz isn’t here himself. Don’t worry, though—he’ll say that he was. He’s going to say he was.
I used to think the Democrats were crazy for saying that men have periods, but then I met Tim Walz. The stupid show, *The View*, is so bad now that the other day I was watching it, and I was thinking to myself, “You know what? They really need to bring Rosie O’Donnell back.” That show is bad. Those people are bad.
I know every one of them, and they are bad news, let me tell you. And it doesn’t do very well either. I always like to say, ratings are very important when they don’t do well. And let me tell you, it doesn’t do well.
As I look around the room, I see all the usual suspects. For instance, Mayor Adams. I’d like to poke some fun at Eric, but I’m trying to be nice. I just want to be nice because I know what it’s like to be persecuted by the DOJ for speaking out against open borders.
We were persecuted, Eric. I was persecuted, and so are you, Eric. The mayor’s dietary restrictions are well known, but I’ve got to say, I’ve never met a person who’s a vegan who liked turkey so much. There’s something about him and Turkey. I just found that out today. I haven’t been in New York much lately, but I bet you’re going to win, Eric.
We have another former New York City mayor with us—frankly, easily the worst in our history. And it’s not Michael, that I can tell you. I’m surprised Bill de Blasio was actually able to make it tonight, to be honest. He was a terrible mayor. I don’t care if this is comedy or not; he was a terrible mayor. He did a horrible job. That’s not comedy, by the way, that’s fact. But unlike the rest of New York, at least Bill doesn’t have to worry about the criminals—they owe him big. He let them get away with a lot of stuff.
Well, I’d better wrap up because Mayor Adams told me earlier that I needed to make this one quick, especially since the city has reserved this room for a large group of illegal aliens coming in from Texas. That’s right—they’ve reserved many rooms, too many rooms.
But in all seriousness, it’s an honor to be here to support the city and the community. It’s a great community that I love. I’ve been here a long time, and I love it. And this city is going to make a big comeback, and I’m going to help it make that comeback. We’re going to win, and we’re going to turn this thing around.
I want to pay tribute to a really incredible man, a man who was a tremendous politician, and actually, the fact that he was Catholic probably did him in, right? Nobody knows for sure, but he was a great guy—Al Smith. Great guy. Everyone says it. Happy warrior. I’ve said before, and I’ll say it again, I’ll say it again as many times as I have to: if I have the honor of being elected next month, we’re going to see what happens. It’s happening so fast. But if I have the honor, I look forward to working together to make this city greater than ever before.
We’re going to do that. We’re going to be focused. I’ll work with the governor. I’ll work with the mayor. Democrats, I’ll work with whoever I have to. We’ll even work very hard to bring back the State and Local Tax (SALT) deduction. We’re going to bring it back. We’re going to get that thing going, Chuck, okay?
I actually thought about not doing jokes tonight. I was going to come out here and say, “Listen, our country is doing very badly. This is not about jokes.” And then someone said, “You have to do jokes.” I said, “I don’t want to. There’s nothing funny about what’s happening to our country.”
And I actually meant that. I was going to do that. But they convinced me to say some of the things I’ve said tonight. I don’t know if they were funny or not, but hey, you think this is easy? Standing up here in front of half a room that hates my guts and the other half that loves me? Half of them love me. Well, maybe it’s 75% that love me.
But I actually did think about that. Our country is doing very badly with respect to its open borders, inflation, crushing things happening in the Middle East, and Ukraine. It’s so sad to see what’s happening in Ukraine.
Wow. I had a lot of people, very religious people, come up to me tonight from Ukraine. They’re asking me for help. It’s so sad to see so many people killed in Ukraine, and we’re going to get it settled if we win.
As President-elect, I’m going to get that done. I’m going to do it before we ever get there. We have to get it stopped. Too much killing. And all of those cities are coming crashing down.
Those beautiful golden domes are crashing down. It’s so sad to see. The whole thing is just so sad. We’re going to help those people. There are so many of them that came up to me tonight—religious people from Ukraine—and I told them, “Don’t worry, we’re going to get it stopped. It’s too bad it ever started. It should have never started. It wouldn’t have started.”
But we’re going to have our country respected again. We’re going to make sure it’s respected, and we’re going to go out and do very good things for ourselves as a country and for the world.
These are challenging times for our beautiful USA, but I’m committed to working with every partner here in New York and all across the nation to build an America that, once again, is strong, safe, proud, prosperous, and free.
Together, we can create a future defined by great ambitions and grand achievements that once again inspire the dreams of our children and bring back the American Dream.
You don’t hear about the American Dream anymore. We’re going to make it possible for them to have that dream again. This is a very religious evening to me. It really is. It represents so much. My sister was someone who loved the Church and gave to the Church. The Cardinal knew that.
Having recently, myself, survived two assassination attempts—yes, I survived. I have a chart that went down to the right. Fortunately, I looked at it. It’s my all-time favorite piece of paper. It went down, and I looked to the right, and I said, “Was that luck? Was that God?” I think it was God that did that. I really do.
But I have a very fresh appreciation for how blessed we are by God’s providence and His divine mercy. I mean, that was something. I wasn’t supposed to be here tonight, that I can tell you.
With God’s help, I know there is nothing we cannot achieve. We can achieve so much good for this country and get together and unify.
I want to thank the Al Smith Foundation for its noble work, and I want to express my tremendous gratitude to the Catholic community. It’s a great community, one I’ve gotten along with all my life.
When I was President, I was in the Oval Office, and I got a call from the Cardinal. He said, “We need help.” It was during the China Virus—I want to be accurate when I describe it. He said, “We need help. Our schools are in devastating shape. They need more than a billion dollars.”
But I’ve known the community, and I’ve known the schools. I know so many people who were educated in the Catholic school system, and they are great. They speak about it with love, much more so than almost any other system I’ve seen.
And he said, “Sir, we have a big problem. We need billions of dollars, or we’re going to have to close down the entire New York school system.” I said, “Give me 15 minutes.” I think I can find it. And we gave him billions of dollars. And you know what? They stayed open, and they thrived. To this day, I hear you did just about the best job there is in education.
And that was always an honor. Every time he sees me, he says, “Thank you very much.” I say, “I know what you’re talking about.” We worked together. It was a good partnership, right? We got that money in about 15 minutes—billions. And it was put to very good use.
I just want to thank everybody. This is a special evening. It’s a very serious evening, I think. We have some serious problems in the world, but they’re going to get solved, and we’re going to make America great again.
Thank you very much, and God bless you all. Thank you. Thank you very much.”
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